Archives: Clean Eating Changed My Life
If clean eating has taught me anything it’s that going outside of your comfort zone and pushing yourself to do something you never thought possible is very empowering.
This post originally appeared on my old blog, which I wrote from 2015-2016, and will give you a glimpse into how clean eating changed my life and set me on the course of living as naturally and clean as possible. Enjoy!
So what exactly have I learned from Whole 30? Dairy gives me pimples. Dairy and sugar cause my anxiety to spiral out of control. Alcohol leads to multiple “down” or “low” days. Gluten (not all grains) and legumes cause me to bloat to the point where my pants that were loose the day before won't zip up. After reading “It Starts With Food” by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig, I knew these foods would affect how I look and feel but I assumed the feel part was more about digestion and not my mental state.
Whole 30 has leaked into every aspect of my life and changed it for the better. One of my goals of this blog is to help just one other person take the steps to completely change their life.
To understand where I am now, you really have to understand where I came from and what led to my “a-ha” moment in April 2014. Please understand that in this story, like Whole 30, things get worse before they get better.
I love food. I have always loved food and I will always love food.
I grew up in a house where a weekly Saturday trip to the farmer’s market was the norm but, then again, so were trips to Taco Bell and In n’ Out. Like most families, we were always pulled in a million directions — soccer practice, swim team, t-ball and church gatherings — so convenience won out more times than not. Although my early eating habits weren’t always great, I was always a very active kid and never had issues with body image or self-esteem, even though I was always at least a head taller than everyone else in school pictures. I was lucky enough to grow up in Danville, California where we could play outside twelve months a year and travel less than 3 hours to amazing places like Tahoe, Big Basin and Yosemite to ski and hike. Food was never the enemy although, on some levels, I think it has always been comforting to me.
Then 3rd grade rolled around and my sunny disposition changed. I was still a friendly, outgoing and crazy kid but I wasn’t in a healthy headspace. I remember coming home from school, going straight to my room, closing the blinds, crawling into bed and just crying. For the life of me I can’t remember why other than having an overwhelming need to cry. I even started therapy where I would just play Scrabble with the doctor and talk to her. I have to assume that this is when I began to turn to food for comfort and my unhealthy relationship with food and my body began.
An international move right before 5th grade didn’t help. I had never been “the new kid,” let alone the new kid who was also 5’9’’ and probably 140-150 pounds at age 10. I had also never been teased {hurtfully} before and these kids were ruthless.
Nicknames included Titanic, Russia, Blubber Queen and the list goes on. I began to withdraw and my confidence was gone.
By 8th grade we were back stateside and living in Northern Virginia. The teasing was less but it would still happen and I found myself wanting to hide. I was 5’11’’ and close to 170 pounds when I decided to start Weight Watchers for the first time. I also had two friends in the neighborhood who would come over so we could run laps outside and do 8 minute ab videos in the basement. I lost about 15 pounds and was so excited! But I was obsessed. Everything was either ok or a cheat. And I could never enjoy the treat. I just looked at it as wasting my points. When I did cheat, I would beat myself up and binge.
I was 13.
My life from that point to a 25-year-old living in New York City was a series of failed diets (Weight Watchers, no carbs, low fat, diet pills, shakes — you name it, I’ve tried it), self-hate, low confidence and a need for unhealthy male attention.
By the end of my junior year at the University of Richmond, I was dating my now-husband and he said the five words no one had ever said to me before – “I think you are depressed.” His words hit me hard because I thought I was so good at hiding all the pain inside. But I knew he was right. He gave me the nudge to see someone and get on the medication I needed just to keep my head up and get things done.
I started taking an antidepressant and was able to jump-start another few months of weight loss. I started using an app to count calories, taking classes at the gym and training for a 5K. I lost 26 pounds in 3 months and started my senior year of college feeling like I was on top of the world.
Then all my friends started getting job offers and I didn’t.
I had no direction and had no idea where I wanted to live, let alone what I wanted to do. I decided to say f*** it and just “enjoy” my last semester of college which meant eating all the french fries, drinking all the cheap beer and making decisions that were only harming my body and mental state.
By graduation, Nick and I had been dating for almost two years so the only option that made sense to me was to follow him to New York City where he was born and raised. My dad found me an apartment in Astoria, Queens to sublet, paid my June rent and told me that if I couldn’t pay my rent for July, I would have to come home. I spent two weeks applying to every job under the sun — again, no direction — and eventually landed a serving gig at Esca, a 3-star Italian seafood restaurant. Coincidentally, the restaurant was located in the building where Nick grew up and was living.
Esca was a great place to make good money but not a great place for someone with depressive tendencies. My days were long and emotionally tolling. I was working 6 days a week, usually working doubles at least 3 of those days. By the time I left work at midnight, I was starving and depleted. I was working a block off of Times Square so my usual night went something like this: stop at Burger King or for a dollar slice, stop at the pub for a beer (or 4), take the train home, pass out and wake up at 9am to do it all again. Life was monotonous and grueling. I stayed in NYC restaurants for 3 years and, although I’m thankful for everything I learned and the relationships I made, I am so happy to be out.
So how did I finally turn it all around?
2014 was on the other side of my restaurant life, family health issues and a brief 5-week break up with Nick. It was also less than a year into my nanny job, which I stayed at for 3 years before Nick’s job moved us abroad, and my hours were stable. It felt like time to get my life on track and finally take control. I was lucky enough to stumble upon a friend’s Instagram account and she was raving about Whole 30. I had tried everything else, so why not?
My only regret is that I wish I could have found it sooner. And all I can say is that I’m never looking back.
I’m a firm believer that you need to know the background of the people you turn to for help. If you don’t understand what I’ve been through, how could you possibly take me seriously as someone who has struggled immensely with body image issues, depression and anxiety?
I never want to sound like I know it all because I definitely do not. I want to create dialogue because I know I am not the only one out there with a story like this. Food addiction, self-hate, low (or no) self-esteem and lack of confidence is widespread and we need to start talking about it. It's scary to make yourself vulnerable but if you don’t, who will? I’ve never been afraid to talk about taboo topics and I’m hoping this blog can help just one person. One person and I’ll consider myself successful in this endeavor.
This post was written five years ago and my transformation continues. I look forward to sharing more of my story and about the tools I have added to keep myself healthy mentally and physically.
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